*Yawn* really, this information is absolutely non-pertinent to everybody (excluding myself). In this blog I am going to attempt a brief compilation of goal oriented progress-goals more less I have been pursuing or claiming to pursue since my freshman year of college.
I will do this by categorizing the particular goals into the three 'compartments' of a whole person:
Mind
Body
Soul
**
Mind:
^^That word looks particularly foreign right now, like I am looking at an isolated example of German: seeing only the signifier and failing to 'grok' the signified. *few moments of blank staring pass* Ah, that's better.
I came to a rather terrifying but necessary realization the other day. From January 2011-June '11, I inundated my mind/consciousness with nothing but depressants constantly. constantly
-"What can I get you *bartender brushes hair out of eyes which say 'plz hurry the fuck up'*?"
(club music)
"Tokyo ice tea"
"*pivots/grabs two bottles* you got it"
"Thanks, keep it open"-
I understand the psychological drives within me which allowed such self-destructive behavior, at the time I didn't, I was in the midst of the most penetrating existential angst I have ever experienced, and truly and honestly doubt I will experience again on such a formative level.
The pain of existence reached intolerable levels. Alcohol numbed it. Compulsive thought numbed it.
I numbed myself with beats and sex and booze and clothes.
It was perhaps my most..American moment.
Once the solar explosion of my psyche had defeated the gravity of reason and sent me on my near light speed grand tour of 'american trash', oh by god it got even more trashy.
From June 2011-January '12, I (sound familiar yet) inundated my mind/consciousness with nothing but
stimulants constantly con-stant-ly
No paraphrased dialogue here, it's rather traumatically vulgar. I had put myself into a state of perpetual micro-sleep with alcohol and weed, I was getting the occasional painkiller (like a hershey's kiss), and spent identical idle spring/summer days dreaming of foreign chronotopes and seemingly happier real life scenarios.
I needed to wake up. Stimulants woke me up. I was startled awake by the sound of my neurons cheering for the flood of dopamine erupting my ionic channels.
I will not elaborate on what I experienced on stimulants. The memories are still rather repressed and too fresh to look upon with introspection and wisdom.
Annnnnyway, here I am now.
As I hope ^^ makes semi-clear, my mind has been unbalanced for a full spin around the sun. I am correcting my mental trajectory with the use of bupropion.
In respect to goals related to the mental arena of my life, they are immaculately married to my emotional aspirations. I realize that I probably spend at least eight hours of my time awake doing nothing but
thinking. It never stops. It continues on and on. It is a river from which I watch the gleam of the sun's radiance and duly note the occasional traveling debris.
It is difficult and immature to capitalize abstract thought, thought so disregarded and abandoned in our intellectually measly epoch. I do not care for money or whoring my mind to the corporatocracy: like the advertisement psychologists and business majors. Rather, I have developed a plan. The dust is still clearing from the construction so please disregard its rudimentary outlining.
WRITEWRITEWRITEWRITEWRITEWRITEWRITE.
poetry, fiction, non-fiction, philosophy, literary theory, reviews, blogs, tweets, meditations, aphorisms, critiques. I want to write in a way that past hermeneutic scholars referred to as 'secular scripture'.
That is my plan. I will use the pen name 'CodyKo Diac' which has taken on more significance in my life than my inherently Western and personally irrelevant Christian name of 'Cody Carpenter', a name I was branded with involuntarily, a name too replete with adventurer and cowboy/rockstar allusions.
My mom always wanted me to be a rock star and a cowboy. She wanted me to be a free man.
I will be a free man. Once I am free, I will help liberate others from this historical spell.
I'll still be a rock star, just a more adulterated version than she imagined ten years before the turn of the millennium, before the ball dropped and the world began to explode, eleven years before I exploded and pieced myself back together.
It's time to piece the world back together so I can be whole. I will assist this process through the writing of radical and novel literary texts.
In order to accomplish such a grandiose plan, I must learn to balance myself to the utmost degree of perfection. I am far from accomplishing this. I have made immense progress in this regard in the past few weeks, which will be the subject(s) of Part II and III.
Anyhow, this is where I stand mentally. Perhaps I am rather insane, but I am more in control of my mind than most anyone I know. There is a substantial amount of difference between control of oneself in its entirety and the illusion of control, which in reality is but the direct experience of a flattened, boring, self-righteous ego. Perhaps I am an egomaniac or (equally likely) rather egoless, perhaps my rather repetitious references to the evils of egotistical thought is but the projection of my own introverted narcissism....
Nah.
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