As of today, I no longer consume nicotine, alcohol, or (albeit the most difficult) THC. Coinciding with this change in consumptive habits is my decision on a future location for living after graduating from the University of New Mexico in December 2012: San Francisco.
As my confidants, ex's, acquaintances, family, friends, and enemies know, I struggle with what can be commonly referred to as an addictive personality. I do not desire two drinks in the evening to compliment the company of good friends, I want six shots in-a-row lets get in the car dance_dance_drink black out/wake:up "who are you?"
I want twelve cigarettes, one for each cup of coffee.
Load that bowl fucking fat. Speaking of fucking, if I'm wanting to fuck, I want to be high out of my mind. Too bad you can't get it up when your mind's a loose kite floating over your own bed-ridden decadence.
"Hey, why is the TV moving so.....sl......ow.."
Not anymore.
I am not as out of control as the (^) represents to those who are but idle internet strangers. Rather, it is easy for me to reach such states of incoherency quite easily. It is also quite easy for me to retain complete control over every single breath I take in a day, to filter every single thought which passes through, to be in control of every step taken, every word spoken.
I oscillate between extremes.
And that (^) is my most dire problem.
I now have the motivation to accomplish what I have been trying to accomplish for the greater part of a year: a complete break with my entire biological/existential past. I let the memory of a fallen love drive me into desperate pursuits and experimentation with self-medication. In hindsight, I realize I but projected my faults onto this person, I idealized our spent time together, I elevated them to a position of Herculean accomplishment.
I realize they are/we were pretty run of the mill. There are greater minds awaiting to make love to/merge with.
I have found a way out of Albuquerque, and this is my motivation. There have been so many failed starts at change. I have woken so many mornings and told myself this is your last day as this person, enjoy it, its going away. I would swear off cigarettes *tosses them in garbage after dousing with water*, disavow the nightclub *"fuck that place I don't even like anyone there anyway"*, re-conceptualize my piece as a part of personal archaeology *"I'll keep it just to remind myself how far I've come*". Within twenty four hours, I would have a new pack of cigarettes, a new bag of greens, and I'd be rounding up the Troupe for a night excursion.
Case and Point: my psyche, my very essence as 'CodyKo' is tied inexplicably to the geographic locations in which I have dwelled physically. It informs my behavior and patterns what possibilities exist and which ones are unreachable. Albuquerque (as I have said in various social media prior) and New Mexico in general is a cemetery. I walk among deceased memories and attempt futile resuscitation. There is nothing new/novel to be encountered here, only the shadows of past happiness caught from the corner of my eye, narrowly always escaping my grasp, disappearing into moist fog, making me beg the question if my happiness in the past were ever real to begin with.
I must begin anew.
San Francisco, California will be the charting of new psycho-geographic space/time for me. It is a blurry precognition of newness to which I will strive to encounter in the present, before my eyes in the now as opposed to before my mind in the conceivable future.
The rest of this year is what I am referring to as "Initialization of Permanent Habitual Life Modification(s)". Just kidding, I'm really not that much of a douche. Yeah, fuck you too.
I am spending the next ten months before I graduate saving money and reinforcing new habits while finally kicking the ones I've always struggled with once and for all, starting today. Changing your life is not something which begins in the future and you catch up to. Its an effort, its made and caused in every decision you make. Every decision can either be toward a better you, or toward self-denial. I am no longer living in denial of what I struggle with. And because I can admit to struggle, I no longer must struggle. I must simply, constantly, choose the right decision. And we all know when and what the right decision is.
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