C:onfessionals_1)-

So basically according to the discoveries of particle physics, particles of matter are not how we conventionally conceptualize matter "as". The universe is more akin to an ensemble of energy fields (the higgs, the electromagnetic..) and what we observe as particles, are merely oscillations of the fields. An excitation in the electromagnetic field gives rise to a photon for instance. Truly these oscillations/excitations result from the field becoming "disturbed", such as when one drops a rock into a still, clear body of water.

Truly the time is coming when the growing mass of scientific discoveries and their philosophical implications will cause the collapse of the modern world.

It is my theory that scientific knowledge of a "mass field" will yield us technological mastery over 'mass' in much the same fashion scientific knowledge of an 'electric-magnetic field' yielded us mastery over magnetic and electrical technologies.

If we are able to control mass, we will be able to completely eradicate it or create an infinite amount of it quite possibly. When you consider Einstein's most famous equation E=MC^2, what becomes accomplishable in terms of space travel is fantastical. Faster.Than.Light. Also, if we're able to concentrate mass in one spot, we will be able to open a black hole.

We will have energy production technologies which will be able to create an infinite amount of energy perpetually forever. The wars of the modern era will be obsolete, along with our endless empirical division of the planet for resources. The self-doubt which has filled our thoughts since Freud and Marx divided man both against divinity and against himself will dissipate when it collides with its polar opposite: enlightenment.

Advancing knowledge of the physical properties of this universe are coupled with increasingly complex social relationships partially /if not completely/ catalyzed by increasingly complex social networking. Knowledge once held away as a form of social control of the population masses is freely disseminated in a horizontal, decentralized manner via facebook and google+.

A new "common knowledge" is emerging no longer dependent upon religious tradition nor arbitrary aberrations in social code caused by separation due to cultures' relative geographical distance from one another. Art is emerging around the world which incorporates global art found through the manner of this horizontal decentralized sharing of information. In this case artistic, this technologically spurned evolution of art already has a name: ALTERMODERN.

Modernity and everything considered simultaneously contemporary with it

Le capitalisme
Le representative democracia
Le boozwahzee and proletariat
Freud and our fixation on sexual processes
political propaganda
wars caused by desire for natural resources for which a government has a chance to turn a profit upon by "investing" in a war

Not only are we evolving in our physical and technological understanding, but the readjustment of perspective required due to novel comprehension of physical reality itself and our ability to interface with it technologically allows for us to interact more efficiently in our direct communication of information to all members of society- information of freer, newer forms of thought, ways in which to escape what are becoming the well known social travesties of our modern day:

our government and economy truly have become ONE
Due to conservative ideology
which is ironic
if you consider
the right wing scared Americans into this capital/state marriage trough attempting to scare us all
about the evils of communism and socialism
which boiled down to the state and economy may not wed
and under them
our fears have come true.
*
endless wars
*
the manipulative nature now of almost all social relations
*
the growing nudge that we are not happy with what we do for income
*
the privatization of health and mind (hence the festering ignorance and sickness pervading America.)
*
concentration of both political and economic power
*
a sense of powerlessness
*
entertainment as escapism
*
religion adding to the what I call 'Trinity of Power'
1. religion
2. economy
3.government

^the trinity of social control

I wish to declare this like that bastard Luther and his fury against the church, ethical grievances which destroyed the concentration of power in Europe, relieving Europe of the papal emperor and coinciding with hmm...what was it
OH YEAH
The fuckn Renaissance.

...Occupy Wall Street, every free dreamer, every economic slave of a corporate tyrant who realizes their life situation, every great genius of every historical era feels within their heart and knows it is always possible that

A new world is possible.

The Mayans saw the possibility of a new world as a natural, determined part of the physical cosmos itself. We are freely to allow the inevitable to happen: the deaths of our cultures and civilizations is as natural as the death of an individual human body. Through the sacrifice, society and the soul are allowed to change. Always for the better, always to greater adventures and self-discovery.

Conventional religion must be commonly understood to be historical vestiges and taken no more seriously than how we perceive Greek mythology. An oddity and fascination. Patriotism /which boils down to "political faith"/ must be seen for what it is: the able to manipulate people toward causes that are ulterior to what motivates their patriotic actions.

We are always better off giving up our illusions. If we never realize the reality of our situations, a single revolution would never had occurred in all of history. There would not even be a history to report of, other than the long lineages stretching back to the first oppressors, this lineage kept in a straight genetic fashion, father to son. And the slaves would neither know their enslavery.

The Brilliancy Coming

Are we creating the structures (particles, laws of nature) we are discovering through the process of inventing the science related to the structure under construction? Are physical structures of any sort, molecular/biological/chemical/physical/ extant (precede us in having a verifiable ontological reality)... before we ourselves are in existence, existing? We uncover through computation and mathematics an intelligent/objective/consistent language. One cannot speak of it in words per se, it is non-descriptive of :experiences:. It is more fundamental than the realm of personal consciousness. Perhaps, mathematics is proof we truly are a unity rather than a chaos in terms of our existential deductions. Science may be seen to inherently promulgate a certain nihilism because of naively evaluative conclusions one could reach philosophically based upon popular conception of facts; however, in reality it demonstrates merely that life is infinitely experiencing evolution of novel levels of complexity and that it has never began and will never cease.

Life just gets drab sometimes. In other infinite spots in the infinite territory of infinity, souls are in infinite nirvana, others probably wage wars on interplanetary scale. For Christ's sake, there are 30 supernovae happening every second in the known universe, an expanse of nearly 14billion light years? Were all in our own worlds, and our worlds are often in contact, and from these interference patterns social society is created.

But if this were true^^ we have existed for eternity and simply are intelligent energy evolving new more complicated forms, we then seem to be no more than eternal spiritual energy which internally is literally composed of thoughts and memory, and externally by present moment visceral experience later translated and memorized (thus undergoing a process of internalization)?

If we have always existed than there has to be an experience which preceded the always-existence. A pre-experiential externality which was internalized into always existing. What was this pre-experiential externality? I do not believe it is "God" as religious westerners often witlessly banter about online and in public. I do not believe "God" /understood as a personally intelligent supra-being /exists. I believe rather existence is but a part of god on an infinite level of series of scale, and the position of macro and micro in relation to increasing and decreasing size measurements is merely relative to ones own position. God is fractal. We are fractal. Knowledge is fractal.

Nothing is sure. The unknown for humanity is the only choice. The ruins of the world will lie behind us. Directly ahead- a penetrable lack-of-knowledge, a kind of new "aha that makes so much sense" moment after acceptance of reality. We will step off the green screen and realize the green screen and audience. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4L2XirSJw0

File_extension:input//'C:c--social(sexual)_revolution--:):/:

'C:c--social(sexual)_revolution--:):/:

The Lyrics for a Song I Might Have Heard or Might Not Have

Well survive the times oh
we will ever stride
forward and without fear

can you feel life’s angst
can you feel the irony
of defending your tragedy
always situations worse
never a right time never a right way

“Sometimes life feels like its a curse”

but carry on
let evil slide past
it is the past we know we know
how to live
we just refuse
to see the light of day

well survive the times oh
we will ever stride
forward and without fear

The Freest (and most Neurotic) Thoughts I Scribbled Accidently

We must if we wish to pursue the noble idea of truth, must internalize (as citizens of all the "free" nations in the world) the empirical reality that our contemporary systems of social regulation and economics are failing. Every year which passes we are more vegitated and reluctant to notice the growing   ever so faster fissure between what we know is reality/ and / what we collectively pretend is reality. 

One day natural reality will not be able to support what boils down to ethical delinquency on the behalf of the inhabitants of this particular planet. It is merely the universe's self defense and a testimony to the brilliant intelligence which either is the universe or, designed the universe. 

Our thoughts must forever increase in scope and magnitude due to the fact our interactions with one another become more complex and require greater cognitive scope than was previously available/exerted. 

We right now are refusing for fearful and selfish reasons to expand our consciousness. 

Ramblz_2://

=====I am attempting to practice 'honing' my philosophic thought into falsifiable(scientific) logic. I know truth and I live it, but that does not mean I then also know how to articulate what that truth is. Truth is not an objective epiphenomenon of existence which can be said to have measurable, radically objective properties that could be understood 'scientifically'. Thought /like science/ aims to 'figure things out'. Science and thought pursue an identical aim: the u-t-i-l-i-z-a-t-i-o-n of truth. Scientific fact is synonymous to logical fact. <<They are demonstratably true. =
=====The scientific community is much more...mature in their pursuit. Their conformity to general consensus allows for a somewhat collective anonynimity: no one member (unless they achieve particular genius) is conferred "the winner". With philosophy, the manner of pursuit of the field was one of idiosyncratic competitionalism. Though in historical retrospect the philosophers' almost religious tendency to "show for what they truly are", the mental equivalents of optical illusions (ideological mirages) / brands them with the same romantic..thrust which were/are attributed to the most dignified and respected humans. We do not remember "The masters" for their superhuman ability to conform to societal norm and conservative (political folklore) thought routines- but rather, the opposite. The greatest hold so much power /represented by cultural sway / that they in turn become the source of the conformity which they used though defying to get to the position where they could control the very thing that brought them acclaim in the first place.=
======Souls /like physical objects/ hold gravity.=
======Both science and philosophy are not physical pursuits, though science may be used to 'yield' and manipulate physical phenomenon. They are both mental. They both are the application of mental (cognitive) activity, applied to the activity of 'reasoning'- and reason is synonymous to the common language phrase in English of "figuring things out".=

======The line of distinction we draw between the two fields is arbitrary. They are one in the same. They are one business whose division of labor is two. It creates two workers to function that are slightly specialized in different aspects of the same conceptual whole. 

Only the pursuit of truth and reality is admirable. Can it be argued to the contrary that the pursuit of illusion and falsity is admirable? First-
it is impossible to pursue falsity because if one is pursuing it, they are doing so under the assumption/i-l-l-u-s-i-o-n it is true /for no one/ (no one) lends merit to lies. We are all relatively virtuous to ourselves and loyal to our perception of 'truth'. The truths about who we really are are constantly in a state of flux for we ourselves are constantly in flux and therefore different than the truth which is pursued by science and philosophy- stationary truths. Truth not pertaining to any type of 'essential nature'. The stationary truths of physical properties, chemical reactions, biological tendencies, and rigidly determined mathematics are descriptions of shared observation. <<<These truths are but blueprints for the construction of self-truth. Science/philosophy is an empty house relative to self-truth: Knowledge of self is the home we come to construct from memories and experience with 'the house'. Social events and social memory are the raw materials from which the house is itself constructed. 

You do not obtain truth from the cognition of words- but from the experience of experiencing truth through the cognition of words. And that<< truth is somewhat malleable to divine caprice- a chaos overflowing with signification. The will of god you see is our will to power. It is not that divine energy "wills" events and the destiny of lives, but allows for divinity to exist through sacrificing its own perfection in order for us to live imperfect lives. The divinity splits its whole of which we are pieces of so that we may experience what is to exist yet even though we are merely splinters of an inconceivably more complex life then our own. A supra-life of a supra-organism of which our entire lives are but merely infinitely minute aspects of. We are the supra-organism. Our destinies are but constitutions of its internal physiology. We are all literally one being-

yet how would you ever get it across the concept of human being to an individual brain cell? A tree that is only one of thousands which make up the forest? Does that imply that the truth actually forever lies outside of actual comprehension, leaving us always inspired and awed by the brilliance which surrounds us- a brilliance which is literally stupefying? 

#diak 

After Tasting

I must keep going.
I must keep telling myself that I must keep going.
I hear songs that remind me of what seem like
impossibly perfect days-
that have already past.

I must remember it has always been this terrifying,
long, monotonous, redundant.
I have always doubted the possibility of fulfillment.

To myself I say forward.

The command is directed at the ceiling,
in boxers/socks
in the anxiety of being late to work.
I let go and fall straight through myself.
Back into sleep.

The beauty of experience lies in its aftertaste.
The power of our minds-
devices churned to synthesize
all the meaning of our lives-

Afterlife, aftertaste. Perhaps
all the beauty of life lies in its aftertaste. 

Thought in Process

He turns to look behind himself
before the gateway tunnel
to the depths of space-time-

He is entering the subway station with no map,
nor predestination.

only a vague notion of what will be to come.
and remarks upon the always-already eternity of souls:
^

It’s perfection. <
it’s clarity. <
It’s more real than reality- < just another dream inside a dream.>

The newborn souls cannot begin to conceive of what will happen to them
when they “come alive”-
Their elders say “oh children, wait, just wait until you come to understand death”
he strides through their perpetual bliss into the wilderness of existence-

sacrificing his own perpetual bliss
to mine for the most precious of all items in its worth in heavn:

novel experience.

***

Here we are lamenting.    suspicious and hyperaware.

**

Some never come to this place for it is said to be excruciating,
an exercise in bravery which becomes highlighted
and evidenced in the beauty and level of perfection of its undertakers.

Some surely come here prepared to conquer and some surely come predetermined to fuck for fifty years, some come here to simply love and remark on the endeavors
-and history of endeavors-

 of so many intelligences working together on such a grand level.

We are all brave for leaving paradise for the treacherous and dangerous waters of earth,
The experience of vibes which seem so.... consequential.

Life on earth so often is a mad scurry from one failure to another.
A success is so too oftenly accompanied by a major defeat.
The game just seems so-
tumultuous.

**

Humanity is a drug/addiction. We desire humanity no matter what the cost
to the soul is.

We leave behind eternal life and perfection for this: is it in some way not just better than eternity then?

What is greater than achieved perfection ?

?

Ramblz

The first convention of the  global occupation assembly over a course of months reaches the issue of the calendar.

Shall the eradicated national borders still demarcate Gregorian from Buddha?

Inches, feet, yards. Done away with.

And, as typical in socio-political behavior, the only solution is for everyone to compromise.

This global government must represent and exist strictly for the citizens of Earth. It must be in charge of the global production of goods as well as having the consent of the Earth population to pursue activities occurring on the global scale.

It will be a decentralized web of supercomputers which analyze data and more or less replace the arbitrary political process with actions arrived at scientifically and thus, reliable. Through the use of objective and highly efficient technology it will be impossible for corruption to occur.

Political agendas will no longer be catalyzed by the ulterior motives of profit, self-aggrandizement, or ideological crusades.  We will ask a question, and receive a reliable scientific solution. If you doubt this is possible, it is because you probably do not believe people are capable of building machines powerful enough to obsolete the needs behind the “necessity of government”.

Humanity is that brilliant. We will be seen as self-victimized: we ignore our slavery to social control systems, scientists bewail physical determinism, we aren’t doing anything AT ALL about climate control, and when disaster does strike (which if you are paying attention you know is absolutely inevitable and highly possible to happen in the lifetimes of those in their twenties and below), well blame our humanity.

Well have to
look one another in the eye
and apologize for contributing, in knowledge of the consequences,
to the causes of  disasters which will claim untold numbers of lives.

A splinter of murderer nestled in our muscle tissue like a tomb/tumor-
encasted by a ceaseless overcast of fog…The hills and the hills’ shadows intermingle
and sometimes through the fog appears the shadow of a burning forest
or an acidic raincloud.

Babies whipped out of their mothers’ desperate grasp
by the blunt force of wind, and sand.
1byt of the gusto in that gale was contributed by you.
Your hands are washed when it comes to who to blame.  

Forgetting/Forgot

I do not know really what I came here to start. By writing this.
I am listening to this: (staring at a uv light in the corner behind me and the 17" screen)

It's the same old scene

You've been stuck at the screen for a lifetime

You keep your mind sharp and clean

With a fix of caffeine for the night time

You got a page full of friends

And a world without end, DIKU (Do I Know You)?

But if push comes to shove

You could do without them if they make you

With all this poison inside

It's much too late to decide

You've got your mind made up

You've been living a lie in your white room

For all the hours that you've cried

There's a year of love they denied

So you slip through the door and fall to the floor in your black room

You're a black room boy

You're feeling so way down

You're a black room boy

Forget the losses and burn down

You're a black room boy

Fall into city lights

You're a black room boy

Nothing else to be there

[ Lyrics from:  ]

You kissed your mommy's hand

Wearing daddy's ring when they left you

And you buried yourself in the pain that they couldn't accept you

You're in a world of your own

Got no cellular phone

They can't track you

But the girl at the store with the sketchy rapport

She will back you

With all this poison inside

It's much too late to decide

You've got your mind made up

You've been living a lie in your white room

For all the hours that you've cried

There's a year of love they denied

So you slip through the door and fall to the floor in your black room

You're a black room boy

You're feeling so way down

You're a black room boy

Forget the losses and burn down

You're a black room boy

Fall into city lights

You're a black room boy

Nothing else to be there

You're feeling so way down

Forget the losses and burn down

Fall into city lights

Nothing else to be there

You're a black room boy.”

and somehow I forget what I came here to write. The music- I start writing.
Filling it with my self. Filling it with my story. Filling it with (insert miscellaneous reference to one’s own subjectivity) and my path in life seems so clear doing this. I feel cinematic in the approach, I feel like I am the director. Directing myself. Disinterestedly watching this person.

Oh my, its actually quite silly to think about.
But I guess that just makes us all a little crazy ;).

*enter the Ting Tings

on the dre's *exit ABVNBYND*
and suddenly I’m like...

oh yeah and then suddenly
I know this random song’s chorus better than the pledge of allegiance.
and ramble through the other verses
honestly just because I'm high and doing it to "chill out".*

I reread this^^ a couple minutes later and have no idea how to close it all up. I guess that’ll work. That’s kinda funny. 

As it Stands: Mind, Part I

*Yawn* really, this information is absolutely non-pertinent to everybody (excluding myself). In this blog I am going to attempt a brief compilation of goal oriented progress-goals more less I have been pursuing or claiming to pursue since my freshman year of college.

I will do this by categorizing the particular goals into the three 'compartments' of a whole person:
Mind
Body
Soul
**

Mind:



^^That word looks particularly foreign right now, like I am looking at an isolated example of German: seeing only the signifier and failing to 'grok' the signified. *few moments of blank staring pass* Ah, that's better.

I came to a rather terrifying but necessary realization the other day. From January 2011-June '11, I inundated my mind/consciousness with nothing but depressants                        constantly.     constantly

-"What can I get you *bartender brushes hair out of eyes which say 'plz hurry the fuck up'*?"
(club music)

"Tokyo ice tea"

"*pivots/grabs two bottles* you got it" 

"Thanks, keep it open"-

I understand the psychological drives within me which allowed such self-destructive behavior, at the time I didn't, I was in the midst of the most penetrating existential angst I have ever experienced, and truly and honestly doubt I will experience again on such a formative level.
The pain of existence reached intolerable levels. Alcohol numbed it. Compulsive thought numbed it.
I numbed myself with beats and sex and booze and clothes.

                                      It was perhaps my most..American moment.

Once the solar explosion of my psyche had defeated the gravity of reason and sent me on my near light speed grand tour of 'american trash', oh by god it got even more trashy.

From June 2011-January '12, I (sound familiar yet) inundated my mind/consciousness with nothing but
stimulants                  constantly       con-stant-ly

No paraphrased dialogue here, it's rather traumatically vulgar. I had put myself into a state of perpetual micro-sleep with alcohol and weed, I was getting the occasional painkiller (like a hershey's kiss), and spent identical idle spring/summer days dreaming of foreign chronotopes  and seemingly happier real life scenarios.

I needed to wake up.             Stimulants woke me up. I was startled awake by the sound of my neurons cheering for the flood of dopamine erupting my ionic channels. 

I will not elaborate on what I experienced on stimulants. The memories are still rather repressed and too fresh to look upon with introspection and wisdom.

Annnnnyway, here I am now.

As I hope ^^ makes semi-clear, my mind has been unbalanced for a full spin around the sun. I am correcting my mental trajectory with the use of bupropion. 

In respect to goals related to the mental arena of my life, they are immaculately married to my emotional aspirations. I realize that I probably spend at least eight hours of my time awake doing nothing but
thinking. It never stops. It continues on and on. It is a river from which I watch the gleam of the sun's radiance and duly note the occasional traveling debris.

It is difficult and immature to capitalize abstract thought, thought so disregarded and abandoned in our intellectually measly epoch. I do not care for money or whoring my mind to the corporatocracy: like the advertisement psychologists and business majors. Rather, I have developed a plan. The dust is still clearing from the construction so please disregard its rudimentary outlining.

WRITEWRITEWRITEWRITEWRITEWRITEWRITE.
poetry, fiction, non-fiction, philosophy, literary theory, reviews, blogs, tweets, meditations, aphorisms, critiques.   I want to write in a way that past hermeneutic scholars referred to as 'secular scripture'.

That is my plan. I will use the pen name 'CodyKo Diac' which has taken on more significance in my life than my inherently Western and personally irrelevant Christian name of 'Cody Carpenter', a name I was branded with involuntarily, a name too replete with adventurer and cowboy/rockstar allusions.

My mom always wanted me to be a rock star and a cowboy. She wanted me to be a free man.

I will be a free man. Once I am free, I will help liberate others from this historical spell.
I'll still be a rock star, just a more adulterated version than she imagined ten years before the turn of the millennium, before the ball dropped and the world began to explode, eleven years before I exploded and pieced myself back together.

It's time to piece the world back together so I can be whole. I will assist this process through the writing of radical and novel literary texts.

In order to accomplish such a grandiose plan, I must learn to balance myself to the utmost degree of perfection. I am far from accomplishing this. I have made immense progress in this regard in the past few weeks, which will be the subject(s) of Part II and III.

Anyhow, this is where I stand mentally. Perhaps I am rather insane, but I am more in control of my mind than most anyone I know. There is a substantial amount of difference between control of oneself in its entirety and the illusion of control, which in reality is but the direct experience of a flattened, boring, self-righteous ego. Perhaps I am an egomaniac or (equally likely) rather egoless, perhaps my rather repetitious references to the evils of egotistical thought is but the projection of my own introverted narcissism....

Nah.







 

Meditation on Current Life Changes

As of today, I no longer consume nicotine, alcohol, or (albeit the most difficult) THC. Coinciding with this change in consumptive habits is my decision on a future location for living after graduating from the University of New Mexico in December 2012: San Francisco.

As my confidants, ex's, acquaintances, family, friends, and enemies know, I struggle with what can be commonly referred to as an addictive personality. I do not desire two drinks in the evening to compliment the company of good friends, I want six shots in-a-row lets get in the car dance_dance_drink black out/wake:up "who are you?"

I want twelve cigarettes, one for each cup of coffee.
Load that bowl fucking fat. Speaking of fucking, if I'm wanting to fuck, I want to be high out of my mind. Too bad you can't get it up when your mind's a loose kite floating over your own bed-ridden decadence.
"Hey, why is the TV moving so.....sl......ow.."

Not anymore.

I am not as out of control as the (^) represents to those who are but idle internet strangers. Rather, it is easy for me to reach such states of incoherency quite easily. It is also quite easy for me to retain complete control over every single breath I take in a day, to filter every single thought which passes through, to be in control of every step taken, every word spoken.

I oscillate between extremes.
And that (^) is my most dire problem.

I now have the motivation to accomplish what I have been trying to accomplish for the greater part of a year: a complete break with my entire biological/existential past. I let the memory of a fallen love drive me into desperate pursuits and experimentation with self-medication. In hindsight, I realize I but projected my faults onto this person, I idealized our spent time together, I elevated them to a position of Herculean accomplishment.

I realize they are/we were pretty run of the mill. There are greater minds awaiting to make love to/merge with.




I have found a way out of Albuquerque, and this is my motivation. There have been so many failed starts at change. I have woken so many mornings and told myself this is your last day as this person, enjoy it, its going away. I would swear off cigarettes *tosses them in garbage after dousing with water*, disavow the nightclub *"fuck that place I don't even like anyone there anyway"*, re-conceptualize my piece as a part of personal archaeology *"I'll keep it just to remind myself how far I've come*". Within twenty four hours, I would have a new pack of cigarettes, a new bag of greens, and I'd be rounding up the Troupe for a night excursion.

Case and Point: my psyche, my very essence as 'CodyKo' is tied inexplicably to the geographic locations in which I have dwelled physically. It informs my behavior and patterns what possibilities exist and which ones are unreachable. Albuquerque (as I have said in various social media prior) and New Mexico in general is a cemetery. I walk among deceased memories and attempt futile resuscitation. There is nothing new/novel to be encountered here, only the shadows of past happiness caught from the corner of my eye, narrowly always escaping my grasp, disappearing into moist fog, making me beg the question if my happiness in the past were ever real to begin with.  

I must begin anew.

San Francisco, California will be the charting of new psycho-geographic space/time for me. It is a blurry precognition of newness to which I will strive to encounter in the present, before my eyes in the now as opposed to before my mind in the conceivable future.

The rest of this year is what I am referring to as "Initialization of Permanent Habitual Life Modification(s)". Just kidding, I'm really not that much of a douche. Yeah, fuck you too.

I am spending the next ten months before I graduate saving money and reinforcing new habits while finally kicking the ones I've always struggled with once and for all, starting today. Changing your life is not something which begins in the future and you catch up to. Its an effort, its made and caused in every decision you make. Every decision can either be toward a better you, or toward self-denial. I am no longer living in denial of what I struggle with. And because I can admit to struggle, I no longer must struggle. I must simply, constantly, choose the right decision. And we all know when and what the right decision is.

Corpus as Setting. Pavement as Background.

The human body

is vulgar....

to taste the taste of yourself,

calloused from overexposure, is tasteless:

warm spit,

,mucous

(occasionally cum)

glide over a

skinless flapping/flailing tongue.

blood-pussed sphincter-esque, lips

that

mold

the invisible nothing air

into the words of your body.

and

the word became flesh- -

______a shriek!_____________

travels in echo fashion UP                     (breath in)

the chasm which leads DOWN               (breath out)

down....

to a fist-sized Resomator

to   ↓ bio-cremation-

to a warm acidic vat-

that the skull-cased electric blood water

ON TOP (breathing, barely)

neuro-demands the daily intake/deconstruction/assimilation of

life structure.

And this...., oh dear this....., this dear is you....

(from) the inside

                              (“are you ok?”)

the blood-motor oil- rusts red oxygenated

Type_O+ plus that breath you stopped taking

(“I don’t think she’s breathing”)

blood, brains, twitching, DNA, WHATTHEFUCKISLIFE         (WILL SOMEONE PLZ FUCKING

HELP HER?)

all this,

at a cool 98.6 degrees, and dropping fast

(on the) inside

on the street where the tire ripped the skin off your stomach

and the drunk didn’t bother to stop

(on the) inside

you watch Karen Marie’s fingers on the piano

you hear“It’s all about the Roses”

you feel like a very mean bumblebee_ has fucked your heart with

its rubber sting/your vacoule-petals dry.... collapse/stop.

all your honey and love has leaked out

onto asphalt.

you’re leaving this scene behind. 

you catch snowflakes on a bloated tongue.

you leave the scene and the setting.

you dissolve into the invisible nothing air_

_out of the world and out of body.

an unknown infinitude of universes dissolve on the pavement.

deconstruction commences

a chasm opens up_

the world’s chasm

_swallows you whole

leading to a warm vat....

.....it is the womb of your mother.

She’ll shriek while you come out shrieking.

-More blood will be spilt- (blood, brains, twitching, DNA)

WHATTHEFUCKISLIFE

It is

    breathing in and breathing, out

    pollination and, bio-cremation

the

    vulgar fragments of a hit and run and

    cherished healthy blood of the day old.